Last night was an amazing night. In love and trust, I stepped out of the shadows of my past. Shadows that fueled the enemy. Shadows that told me “you are not good enough”, “no one wants to be seen with you”, “why would any man want to introduce you to the important people in his life”? The enemy had let the narrative of my marriage and past relationships become my inner voice. And, I had allowed that narrative to be heard. I am beautifully human. We are all beautifully human. God is walking with me, with you, and is ready to hold your hand when that hand is extended to Him.
I married young. I was 19 when I met my husband. He was 17. We had a whirlwind courtship: romance, friendship, intimacy. We married after 3 years….22 and 20. Our first child was born 9 months later. In the early years of our marriage, we had many mutual friends (mostly couples). We would get together to play cards or my absolute favorite memory was my husband and I along with 10 of our friends, sitting around on Thursday nights watching Friends, Survivor, Will and Grace and ER. The room was filled with laughter, joy, togetherness…memories that still bring a smile.
After college, we moved out of state and away from our friend group. We had 2 children at this time. We moved to a small town in North Dakota. My husband began his teaching career there. At that time, we continued, for the most part, to have mutual friends…or at least friends we each knew and spent time with.
As we settled into married life, I fell into the role of homemaker, mom and wife. I allowed myself to take on the majority of the responsibilities at home. Looking back, I remember beginning to feel such sadness. I remember feeling an aching loneliness. The man who vowed to love me forever…seemed to say yes to everyone else…but no to me, no to his family. I realize now, that I did not fully grasp the consequences of having those feelings and not speaking up. I did not believe in myself enough to find my voice and share with my husband.
2 more moves and 1 more child joining our family…the unhealthy foundation of our marriage began to show. In regards to this post, I will speak to this. He began to have a life completely separate from me, the kids, our family. He had friends that I was not included in interacting with. Even couples he became friends with, did not get introduced to me. I got the occasional pity invite, both of us knowing that I would/could not go, someone had to be home with the children. Up until the day he walked out on us, I was rarely included in “going out” with friends. In the final year of our marriage, his escalating alcoholism and numerous affairs sealed in my mind what a failure I was. Failure as a wife, a friend, a woman…
A few months after our divorce was final, I met the next man that would become an important part of my story. We fell fast, hard, blindly into love fueled by passion. He said and did ALL the right things. Sometime in the beginning whirlwind, a familiar pattern presented itself…I was good enough to be with him, he said he loved me, yet he did not make any effort to include me in his life. For the next 7 months, I heard every excuse as to why we couldn’t do anything with his friends. Why I couldn’t hang out at the hanger with him. Why I couldn’t go up north if he was going to be there with another couple and/or person. The message I told myself, loud and clear and without hesitation, this proves it is YOU. Something is wrong with YOU. I was ashamed of myself.
Today, I am 4 months into a relationship with a man that puts in effort; he knows my past pain and he accepts me; he shows me each day what it means to him to be in love with me; he makes time to spend time with me.
A couple months ago, he asked me if I was ready to meet his best friend. Instant panic attack and I heard myself saying to him “no, I’m not ready, I’m scared”. He held me close and said he wouldn’t pressure me to meet his friend until I felt ready. And he kept his word. He supported me while I worked through my feelings of insecurity all while finding the right moments to say how excited he was for me to meet his friends.
Finally, with the help of a lot of prayer, a couple of amazing friends who supported me and encouraged me, I said yes.
Last night he was proud to go out with me and introduce me to his best friend. We had the most amazing time. It was easy. It was right. I sat at the table looking into the eye’s of the man who had shown me how much he loved me by including me. I had the privilege to sit and hear lifelong best friends reminisce. Laughter, Love and friendship.
Once again, when the timing was right for my life and my journey, when I was ready to hear the message, the Lord assured me that he was walking with me. No matter what life handed me last night, I would not be alone. The power of eternal trust, faith and love….I am blessed.
Lifelovinggod 