As I am writing this post, I am overcome with emotions. Sadness. Fear. Anxiety. Anger. The past 2 weeks have evolved into a wakeup call as to just how complex it is to parent adult dependent children.
My daughter is 18 and graduated (early) from high school yesterday. In the past couple years, since her dad walked out, I have had a few incidents where she was drinking. Nothing consistent, no behavior changes, just poor teenage decision making. Gradually over the past few months and full force the last 2 weeks, things have drastically changed. Moodiness, sleep schedule off, drinking and hiding alcohol in her bedroom, vaping (including marijuana), coming home at 2,3,4 AM. Concerning and uncharecteristic. Discussion and consequences for her behavior choices began. Over a 10 day period it went something like this: sat down and talked calmly with her and reminded her that she was not to consume alcohol and that our house is alcohol free; vaping is not allowed in the house; weekend curfew is 12 (if at a friend’s house just call and let me know) weekday curfew 10…and also 10pm quiet hours at the house. Next offense, car taken away completely. Next offense car taken away and grounded from friends through the weekend. I sat down with her again and restated the rules for living here. I said we were running out of options and if she couldn’t respect the boundaries, we would have to consider calling her dad to see if she could live there. So, last night, she had her car to take to and from work. That is it…expectation clear and known. She put 71 miles on her car, it’s a 14-mile round trip to her job. I asked her, “did you do anything last night besides go to work?” “No.” “Why are there 71 miles on your car?” “Well, after work I drove around facetiming my friends because I am not allowed to be loud at home.” With tears in my eyes I told her, you have no car no friends through spring break (ends April 5). After a few drama comments…I said to her that the choice was hers. Follow the rules and we would be ok. If she chose to break the rules again, she would need to find another place to live.
At the end of our conversation, she said to me, “it doesn’t matter anyway, everyone hates me”. I asked her to share more about that and she responded, “it’s simple, everyone hates me”. I told her I loved her and would always love her no matter what. I told her her dad loves her and she said, “no he doesn’t he doesn’t care”.
She left the room and went to her bedroom where I could hear murmurings of an intense conversation on the phone. She came out and said to me, “are you kicking me out? do you want me to leave?” I told her, “absolutely not”. I want her to stay more than anything in the world but I will not tolerate disrespect. She left again and came back a few minutes later saying she was going to stay with her dad. I told her that was fine, I supported her decision. I told her she would not be taking a car with her. I agreed to take her to work this afternoon but said I would not be transporting her over the weekend to and from work.
And the grand finale. I hesitated but decided to text her dad to let him know the gest of what had happened here. His response, “what exactly do you mean by grounded here” I simply replied that she had been grounded at my house and was letting him know that. I did not hear back from him. Co-parenting (I use the term very loosely) with someone who, when he sees his kids, parties with them, is a nightmare. My daughter and I got in the car to go to work and she very distinctly, without a doubt, smelled like marijuana. I did not even know what to say. I started talking about smelling skunks and being worried the dogs would get sprayed.
I am heartbroken and feel sick to my stomach. I do not know what is going on in her world. I feel I have offered all I can for support (which will continue) and love. She is making decisions that need to have consequences. I pray she gets through this time without harming herself. I pray in the end that this is a learning experience for her.
Over the past 2 weeks I found myself reaching out to my friends trying to figure out the best way to handle this. As people responded, I felt more discombobulated, more anxious, and more stress. What was I going to do? How would I get through this? Then, in a moment of pause, I received God’s message. I read daily devotions in the book Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. It said, “this is a time in your life when you must learn to let go”. AMEN and PRAISE HIM! Why is it at the toughest crossroads of life, I have moments (or days or weeks) when I forget to center myself and speak to God? I get swallowed up in emotions and chaos. The time always comes when I am reminded to pause and pray. That is what I realized over the last few days and what I did today. I prayed. I prayed for God to be with me through these trying times, for my daughter to be safe and know that she is unconditionally loved by me, I prayed for peace in my decision and guidance as a parent. Prayer is not a magic wand that takes the situation away. But, through prayer, I let go of the burden that was weighing on me. And in the calm of the storm, I showed my daughter tough love. This is a part of my journey through life. This is part of my daughter’s journey through life. God’s plan at work. And for today, tomorrow, and always, I choose to let go and let God.
Lifelovinggod 