Leading up to my vacation, I prayed for God to help me find closure. I did not allow myself time to grieve and heal from my breakup with K. And in that closure comes confusion. Where do I draw the line between remembering the good times and enjoying those memories: and remembering all the reasons it was not a good idea for us to be together? I want to remember the good, the fun, the adventure but it makes me miss K. If I focus on remembering the bad times, the red flags, the times I should have walked away but I did not, I feel angry, I feel hurt and I feel confused. I continue to pray. I continue to grieve. I continue to heal. God’s got this. After seeing K, briefly, I knew. This is not what I want in my forever. My worth as a person is not tied to him. I want to be with a man that honors our relationship and respects our relationship. Closure. An ending. Life has shown me that God is with me through the endings and what is coming is greater than what is behind me.
Another piece of closure is forgiveness. In this moment of life, it is finding a way to forgive myself. It is ok to take care of myself. It is ok to do what is right for me.
I have also found myself feeling guilty for the months leading up to my husband walking out. The kids went through hell in our house as our marriage fell apart. Hearing fighting: hearing things in those fights no child should have to hear; having a mom that was emotionally absent because the little energy I had went into healing from my car accident and trying to save my marriage. I am keenly aware that there were two adults in the house and two adults that played a part in this. I can not apologize or feel guilt for what he did, only what I did and could control. Forgiveness.
I am finding that forgiving myself has been the hardest page in the chapter of my life that I would simply label “forgiveness”. I will continue to pray. I know that God will be with me and guide me to finding what I need to let go and forgive myself.
Lifelovinggod 