There are many moments in life where thoughts, memories, rememberances, are measured. Anniversary’s, birthdays, reunions. Sometimes, a song might play and takes a person back to an exact moment in time. Sometimes, it’s a memory or an event that does not fall into a catergory. Time.
Today marks two years since I met K. I remember that day so clearly. The butterflies in my stomach, the feel of the cold air and snow on my skin, the feeling of disbelief (for lack of a better word) that a person was out in the world that shared (or led to believe he shared) my views on religion, the love of the outdoors, the love of the UP, being faithful to your significant other, the value of an honest and devoted work ethic, the understanding of the life changing effects of a traumatic brain injury, and the importance of being aware of and taking care of your mental health. Wow…reading that list makes me think to myself, and almost get angry at myself, for not seeing the immediate red flags. That list is almost Godly. And as humans, we are not able to fit with another human so perfectly and without flaw…and it is unrealistic for us to expect that from another person.
K and I dated for almost 10 months. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past couple of days reflecting on our relationship. This does not come from a place of wanting to be in that relationship but more from a complex place of working things out in my current relationship, continuing to heal, and continuing to forgive myself. K and I had a couple of amazing, fairy tale months. Adventure, laughter, passion, prayer, and love. He swooped me up and I fell blindly in love with him. March 2020 came, and a few things happened within a couple weeks time, that changed the trajectory. Looking back I can see all the warning signs but in the moment, my empathy and being blinded by his charm, led me to expain away or turn away from the reality of who he was. In March, his dog became very sick. I always heard a lot about his ex wife but it increased when the dog became ill. He invited her over to spend time with the dog (and in honesty, he told me he met her at the airport and I only found out it was at his house because I saw the text on his phone) and I accepted that because the dog had been like a child for them. The pandemic hit and the world shut down. This was an uncertain time for everyone and K was no exception. He owns his own business and was feeling the stress of not being able to get parts he needed and having his helper be less reliable in showing up. This increase in stress led K to more unprovoked instances of rage. He would become aggressively angry without warning, a lot of times it was taken out on his dogs, or the worker at the store, or a customer who asked him to wear a mask, but it was also taken out on me. Initially his anger at me was shown by gaslighting me into feeling responsible for things he was doing that crossed boundaries I had set (such as seeing his ex wife). He used sex and emotional manipulation as a way to control me and our relationship. I met two of his friends but it was sort of by accident. I happened to be at the hanger one day when he friend D showed up and I was at his house when his friend J showed up. Looking back D sort of fell into my lap…meaning an introducation had to happen because I was there and small talk made so no one seemed rude. When J came to the house, K went outside but didn’t ask me to come with. I took it upon myself to go out and meet him. My son came with me to K’s house and stayed 1 time for 1 night and one time for 2 nights. After the 2 night stay, K never allowed my son to return, and that coincided with K not coming to my house again.
I am rambling but I say all of this to set the stage. K was showing his true narcisstic personality. He was showing me that I wasn’t valued enough to be respected by not having his ex wife over at his house. I found out that this was not an isolated incident. He had been to her house and she to his. I very clearly told him I was uncomfortable with him going there or her coming to him. I was proud of myself for setting the boundary. Unfortunately he just got better at hiding their interactions. K did not want to be a part of my life. He did not want the responsiblity of having to get to know and engage with my kids. He wanted me at his beck and call to pick up and go whenever he wanted. K did not want me to meet or get to know his friends. This was evident throughout our relationship.
I know now the times I should have walked away: when he threatened me with a gun if I let anything happen to his dog, when I found other girls pictures on his phone, when he had taken down the picture of us because his ex wife was coming over, when everytime his friends were going to be up north he did not invite me to come along, when he did not want me to show up at the hanger and get to know the important people in his life, when he made my children feel unwelcome at his cabin, when he used manipulation/shame to enforce his “2 shower a day’ rule….the list goes on. The writing was on the wall and I was so devoted to my unconditional love for him that I did not see the warning signs.
Our relationship ended we he admitted to me he had been seeing other people for over a month. I was sick to my stomach. That was the way my marriage of 20 yrs had ended and now this person I was planning on spending the 2nd half of my life with had done the same thing. I know on an intelluctual level that this is not about me. This is about 2 men who disrepected me and chose to be scum. But it reopend a large wound and dumped salt right in it…and that is what I continue to heal from today.
Time. It is time for me to look back and be proud of myself for the things I did overcome and grow from in those 10 months. I overcame my fear of flying to accompany him on over 24 hrs of flight time. Woot! I learned how and rode dirt bikes. I stayed faithful to a man when he was struggling with his own emotional well being and I continued to love him unconditionally. I learned that just because someone is sexy and charming does not mean they are genuine. Narcissts come in all shapes and sizes. And that allowed me to take a look within myself and learn and grow from exploring why I found myself in deep relationships with this type of man.
Scripture teaches us that through hard times, through tough and painful life lessons, through everyday expriences that Lord is with us. I pray for everyone to remember hard times in life with grace and forgiveness for yourself and others. I pray for everyone to remember blessings in life with humility, thankfulness, and an open heart to receive the blessings the Lord provides.
- Be wise and gracious with your time. Colossians 4:5
- The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can mere man do to me? Psalm 118:6
- Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
- God is greater than the giants you face. 1 John 4:4
- You are loved beyond measure. Ephesians 3:19
I will close with a post from a dear friend: He will restore everything you lost, including YOU. He said twice over. He’s going to restore your health and heal your wounds. You’re going to be BETTER than before. GOD RESTORES PEOPLE.
In God’s love and praise….reflect on TIME, for it is a blessing.
Lifelovinggod 